the texture of motherhood Day 45

another launch

I sit here with my throat tight from holding back tears.  I have received so much wonderful advice and insight about how to think and feel about my youngest child leaving the nest, but my thoughts and feelings aren’t fitting into any orderly category.  I have been anticipating this day for almost a year now and I believe God has prepared me for it. 

 The reality is that my son is only moving across town.  The reality is that I will see him fairly often because we both are involved in youth ministry at our church.  So I guess it isn’t my son moving out that is so hard.  It is more the idea that the texture of motherhood that I am so familiar with has ended.  Of course I am still a mom, but by necessity and by design, it looks different now. 

There is no doubt at all that I am incredibly grateful and thankful to see my 4th child launch into college life.  He is a Christ following young man. He is living in an awesome community.  I know he will contribute to the community.  He is involved in ministry.  He will have a mentor and a small group. He is going to learn new things, make new friends, and grow in so many ways that I don’t even know yet.

And there is no doubt that I am excited to deepen my companionship with my husband; to have more energy for one another, to share new adventure together...

 I do feel those things, but they are eclipsed…

My predominate feeling today is emptiness.  Emptiness is such a painful feeling.  I am trying to sit with it, knowing that I need to journey through this part of the experience and move on.  But it feels terrible.  I’m trying to have courage to absorb it, but it is so hard.

I don’t have any clever conclusion to this blog post.  I don’t even know if anyone will read it.  But it was good for me to write it.  In the coming days I will be able to look back on it and see God’s tender mercy with my heart as he leads me forward from a 'trembling page one' of this new chapter.

The comfort in all this:  God is faithful.  I have a pulse.  He has a plan.  His plan is good.

Father God.  I want to serve you.  Even, while my face is still damp with tears, I am ready to roll!  Where you lead me, I will follow.

Would you like a lunch? Day 44

just a lunch by Leanne

On a Saturday nights every couple of months, after making about 100 sack lunches and praying together, about 15-20 students and leaders from the high school youth group at Westminster Chapel pile into vans and head to Pioneer Square in downtown Seattle.  This is Lights Out…a student–led ministry to the homeless using sack lunches and socks (hats and gloves in the winter) as a way to share  love and care with the homeless, hurting, and hungry in Seattle.  Sometimes in the process of handing out the lunches, God allows us an opportunity to hear a person’s story, and pray with them; sharing the hope of Jesus through prayer.

I’d like to share a conversation I had with a woman in Pioneer Square during Lights Out on Saturday night.  It will stay in my heart forever:

“Hi, I’m Leanne.  What’s your name?”

“Jan”

I grasp her hand and tell her it is nice to meet her.

“Would you like a sack lunch?”

“Nah….well, yeah…okay.”

“I have some socks you can have too.”

Jan takes the socks and the lunch and I sit down next to her.

“You look weary.  Do you have a shelter to stay at tonight?”

”No, I am barred from the shelter”

“My mom was an alcoholic…she drank so much when she was pregnant…it messed me up…I am stupid…I have trouble…and…and, well I got barred from the shelter.”

“Someone at the shelter told me I smell like garbage…I try to stay clean…I really do… “

“My mom hit me around…I never met my dad…  No one thinks I am worth anything…”

“I wish my parents would have aborted me!”

“I’m 42.  I have a kid in Arizona and one in California.  I want to call and tell them goodbye because I can’t live anymore.”

“I just want to go rot in a corner somewhere and die.”

I am mesmerized…staring into her eyes, as tears fall from my own…then I see tears in hers.  Instinctively I hug her and stroked her head.  I am desperate for her to know that she is of infinite worth…that God loves her beyond comprehension.  In my own head I am screaming to God to give me the words to share with her.  He gives me none.  I have no words, so I keep listening to her, asking a clarifying question every so often.

Jan continued: “No one loves me…only the animals think I am any good.”

“No one loves me.”

“Jan, would it be okay…I would really love to pray with you?”

“Father God…I am sitting her with your precious child, Jan.  Thank you for her life, thank you that I got to meet her tonight and learn her story.  Thank you Lord, that no matter what…no matter what we have done, what we are doing now, or what we will every do, that you love us with a love that isn’t dependent on us being good, but on your Son Jesus, who died on the cross for our sins and rose from the dead and is preparing a place for us in Heaven.  Lord thank you that you promise that whoever calls out to you for forgiveness will be forgiven.  I pray tonight that Jan will experience your love for her, that she will experience your nearness and your healing touch.  Father God, bring people into Jan’s life who will speak the truth to her about how precious and how beautiful she is.  Lord protect her from harm and comfort her with your Holy Spirit.  Father God, you can do so much more than I am praying for…so much more than I can even imagine.  Keep your child, Jan in the Shelter of your Wing tonight.

In Jesus name Amen

Lights Out was 3 days ago now and I can’t shake it; the people, the stories, the students, the prayers.  I have been replaying this conversation over and over in my mind the past couple of days…unable to do so without crying.  Thinking about it makes me feel restless and tense.  Late this afternoon I was replaying the conversation with Jan for what felt like the hundredth time, when I realized that maybe what I am feeling isn’t exactly tension…

maybe this is what it feels like when your heart begins to break for the things that break God’s heart.

To all of those involved in Lights Out…the students, the leaders, and mostly the people who shared their stories with us:

I pray tonight as we learned from one another, may we glorify Him.

And if the Lord should bring us back together, may we be in his arms till then.

To God by the glory now and forever, now and forever

Amen…

To God by the glory now and forever, now and forever

Amen…

-from Benediction Song by Timothy James Meany

Day 43- seek, love, walk...



this is worship...

Yesterday, Brian, the youngest of my four children, graduated from high school. 

For those of you who still have children "in the nest", I hope what I have written will encourage you a little bit.  For those of you who are experiencing children venturing out on their own for the first time...maybe the following will resonate with you a little bit too.

When Brian was very young he had a tiny pair of green canvas shoes (no they weren’t Toms).  When his little toddler feet outgrew the shoes, I spent a day sketching them and then wrote a verse (Micah 6:8) on the drawing.  It is a verse that became the basis for a prayer I have prayed often for Brian over the years…I don’t remember the exact words I pray, but they go something like this:

My Father God,

Thank you for entrusting me with your precious child, Brian.  Lord, I feel so inadequate to raise him but I know You will strengthen me and give me wisdom.  I ask You, Father,  that as Brian grows he will fall in love with You and Your word, and that he will seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with You… worshipping you with his life, all the days of his life.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen

Well, the little canvas shoe drawing has been hanging in our kitchen for almost 17 years. And those tiny baby feet are now a men's size 12!  I recently took down the drawing when it was pointed out to me that I spelled “humbly” wrong on it. Oops!

So this week, as God prepared my heart for Brian’s graduation,  I tried to sketch another pair of canvas shoes…this time they were “man size”, but still with that same verse from Micah written on the drawing.  As I sketched and shaded and erased and sketched some more I reflected on how faithfully God has worked and continues working in Brian’s heart…and I will continue to pray.

Father God,

Thank you for giving me these precious 18 years with Brian in our home. Thank you for preparing him, and preparing me to release him to go off to college and live in a new place and discover the path You are setting before him. 

Thank you for impressing on me and Don from the very beginning that You want us to hold the children in open hands to you. 

Thank you for the rejoicing times, but also thank you for the valleys that You have walked through with us- just like You promised you would.  Lord, my inadequacy to parent Brian was never more evident then it has been this year …walking through some of the harder stuff of life with him…but Your faithfulness and Your strength in my weakness was also never more evident. 

Lord, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for holding Brian as he falls more in love with You and Your Word. 

Thank you that you are teaching him and our whole family daily what it means to serve you…to seek justice…to love mercy… and to walk humbly with You. As I sit here my heart is ready to burst with gratitude for the way you have carried Brian and our entire family in the Shadow of Your Wing. 

In Jesus’ precious name,

Amen

beheld...day 42

"beheld" by Leanne

Today our youth ministry began a series, setting a foundation on which to address some of the challenges that most students in our youth ministry will face at some point in their junior high and high school experiences. 

The challenge is that we are living in a broken world…in a culture that feeds a steady stream of lies to young people about what is important and what makes them valuable.

The series launched in our youth ministry today is designed to equip and strengthen the students to learn what God says about them, developing a framework that will allow them to address the brokenness and shame that they struggle with in light of their value as precious children of the Most High…beloved and beheld sons and daughter of their Maker.

My eldest daughter worked at a bank for a couple of years.  One of the things she was expected to do was to identify if anyone was trying to deposit counterfeit money.  I would have thought that to be trained to do this she would study all the tricks that criminals use to create counterfeit money.  But that is not how she learned to spot counterfeit bills.  Instead she studied the real thing…she studied it so carefully and she got to know what it looked like so thoroughly that when the counterfeit came along she could see it for what it was.

The same principle can be applied to recognizing the lies we are fed by the culture around us. That is why today was so important for the students;  we didn’t spend the time focusing on the lies that our culture is feeding students about their value and identity; instead we spent the entire time studying the “real thing”; what God’s word says about students as dearly loved people created in their Maker’s image.  We read verse after verse after verse about what it means to be made in God’s image and what God thinks of us….and Oh how He loves us!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully all these verses will move from being words on a page to truths in our hearts so that we can begin to look at shame and brokenness in our lives from a position of hope, developing the ability to uncover and expose the lies that we have been agreeing with  by holding them up against the truth of God’s Word…His personal, infallible story of redemption, restoration, and reconciliation of His creation to Himself.

In the session today we ended with this raw and real prayer:

Dear Lord,

You are the all powerful, all-knowing Maker of heaven and earth.  You alone know how we are made and who we’re meant to be.  You have not shortchanged me.  You know the way I am formed.  You know what motivates me.  You know what shuts me down.  You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind.  I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day.  Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and give me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with you and loved by You.  Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other.  Forgive me for my unbelief.

You knew what You were doing when You formed me in my mother’s womb.  Nothing is without purpose.  You mean to increase the praise that comes to you because of my life.

Perform a miracle on me, Lord. Cover me with Your trustworthy hand.  Clothe me with strength and dignity.  Make me a courageous man/woman in this confusing culture.

You, Lord are my security.  No one and nothing can take You from me.

I choose to turn my back on fear and the lies of the enemy, because you are right here with me and have put value on my life as Your son/daughter.

I have divine strength to overcome every obstacle because I belong to You.  You treasure me and Your Spirit lives within me.

I am free in Jesus’ triumphant name.

Amen

“But now, this is what the LORD says—
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”

Isaiah 43:1

Bottom line:

We are made in God’s image

and we a deeply loved by our Maker.

Day 41..."Keep it broken before Jesus; keep it thankful, meek, and pure"

“Love “…“Growth”…“Nurturing”: These are such positive words, but when put into practice they are imperfect, messy, and require perseverance. 

Our youth group at my church has gone through a lot of transitions in the past year and one of those areas of transition has been moving from leader led ministry to creating student led, student run ministry groups with coaches. The students are taking ownership of connecting with one another, planning events, running all the technology and leading the youth group in worship.

In fact, when you walked into the junior high room at our church, you will be carried into worship by an all junior high worship band.

I remember seeing each of my children at birth…just speechless at the beauty of new life…I remember rejoicing in each developmental milestone they experienced as well as cherishing seeing their personalities develop as their gifts and passions slowly emerged. 

The experience of guiding them and holding them with open hands to God has been the hardest and most rewarding thing I have experienced in my life.  Watching their individual temperaments, gifts and passions develop is pretty incredible.  It is a privilege to see the transformation process in my children  from  helpless babies, to  caring, giving, vibrant young people who are actively seeking God’s revealing and refining  of the gifts he has entrusted to each of them.

For the past few Wednesdays and Sundays I have watched the junior high students in our youth group step up and serve God boldly with their gifts.  I am in awe of God’s wonderful love and shaping of those who hold their hearts and minds open in obedience to His call on their lives.

I am thinking tonight about the value of giving students a safe and caring place to explore the gifts God has graciously give each of them.  I am thinking about how important it is for the students to have those gifts identified and nurtured by their parents, caring leaders and encouraged by other students.  Being in an environment where students are owning their faith and growing their gifts is a pretty awesome place to be!

So my blog tonight is for the students in the youth ministry. 

I want to encourage you to continue to  use your gifts, to take risks and to know it is okay if you don’t do it perfectly…no one does…God cares about your heart response to him. He will never stop growing you if you stay open to his teaching and his grace.

And I want to thank you.  You inspire me to continue to seek ways God wants me to serve and risk and grow…to remain surrendered and to keep my heart attentive and soft to his call.

Don't let your heart be hardened - don't let your love grow cold
May it always stay so childlike - may it never grow too old
Don't let your heart be hardened - may you always know the cure
Keep it broken before Jesus; keep it thankful, meek, and pure

-Don Hartman (Petra)



Long Obedience...Day 40

"serve" by leanne

In the dark and the cold long after the rest of the mission team had gathered in the Hacienda to get warm and share dinner together, I could still hear the pounding of hammers and the laughter coming from 3 high school students repairing a deck for the staff housing at Rancho el Refugio.  After working all morning repairing the road leading up to the school and going into the poorest part of town to spend the afternoon with some children there, they began work on the porch.

As I listened to them work I reflected on how the opportunity to go on the family mission trip year after year has been heart-transforming for all of the families.  I noticed the transformation more acutely in my son’s heart during this most recent trip than I ever have before.

 Dan and Ivy Simpson have helped many of us embrace the vision to provide a quality academic and spiritual education to the poorest children in Ensenada, Mexico.  Dan has become a spiritual hero to my son, Brian. Dan and his wife, Ivy exemplify the phrase “long obedience in the same direction”.  I wish all teen-agers could have heroes like Dan and Ivy in their lives.  Dan is in his mid 70’s.  He retired from being a general contractor and headed to the mission field along with his wife, Ivy. Each year in February a few families from our church spend a week in Ensenada helping build the school that will soon serve street children and orphans in Ensenada. Dan has encouraged our families every year with unbelievable patience as we have muddled through building projects….although many of the men on the family mission trip are skilled at carpentry and construction…most of us are simply learning on the job when we go down there. 

Becoming aware of the transformation of Brian from a worker to a servant…from a performer of worship songs to a worshipping leader was so sweet to see on this latest trip…and it wasn’t just Brian…it is a process I have seen in all the families on the trip. There are no words to describe what a privilege it is to experience being part of the vision for the children in Ensenada…to see a school rise up out of the dust…pushing past set backs and financial challenges, and years of keeping at it and persevering to the point that after thousands of hands have touched the building materials, after thousands of hours of hard work, laughter, tears, and prayers…the school is almost ready to open!

And it isn’t just that a school is opening that is so beautiful, it is the opening of hearts…like Brian’s to move from drawing attention to himself and wanting compensation for his labor… to seeing him so caught up in the project…so caring for the children that will soon be able to go to school… to see him so lost in worship that he pulls me into deeper communion with God…the whole heart transformation process itself is so humbling.

I know I will fail at times when it comes to long obedience in the same direction…I already have more times than I can count…and I know each of us will struggle with obedience from time to time…but I am so glad to have people in my life who are further down the road than I am, like Dan and Ivy, who help me see how God uses long obedience in the same direction to bring glory to Himself and the saving message of Jesus to our painful world.

pouring contempt on pride...Day 39

"surrendering"

I have been convicted in my spirit that trying to make a piece of art and blog about it each day has become an issue of pride for me. 

I would like to explain…

The idea behind the blog was to use it as a tool to explore what God is teaching me as I prepare for the next step of my life journey which is what is commonly called the “empty nest” and to encourage others.  I am pretty sure my initial motivation was a positive thing and in line with God’s will. 

Then several things happened, almost all at the same time.  My husband had two trips to the ER and then had gall bladder surgery, my son broke his collar bone, and I was offered a job that I was not expecting to be offered until June. When added to the commitments that already existed, all these things together have had a substantial impact on my time, energy, and challenge level. 

However, I had already let people know that I was doing a “365 of art/blog project” and people have been encouraging me and praising my work and insights which I have really appreciated.

But, I began to let the feedback become too important to me…it sort of built me up and fed my ego.  It isn’t that I became less aware that the art and the insights are gifts from God, but that I made the idea of getting the blog done each day a priority over most everything else.  God has been whispering in my spirit to let go a little and be more realistic about my capacity to create on the level I have been everyday, given my current commitments and new responsibilities at work.

 I didn’t want to let go.  Even when my husband gently encouraged me that the art blog didn’t need to be an “everyday thing”  and I told him I agreed,  I still kept up the pace.  When I disregard my husband’s input…that is pride.  When I tell him he is right, but keep doing my own thing, that is also pride.  God is not a big fan of pride!

I have been wrestling with the idea of letting the blog slide a little and making it less than daily.  Those of you who know me, know that I can be “crazy tenacious” when I set a goal (like running the Boston Marathon 6 weeks after knee surgery)…always wanting to do my best, and pridefully not wanting to admit I am too weak to finish everything I start or that I can’t really cram one more thing into my schedule. 

The truth is that sometimes plans do need revision and I need to be humble and surrender my plans into God’s hands…always and continually.  I have been arrogant  in behaving like I have a better idea of what I can handle and what I should do than my Creator!

So anyway, somewhere in the last 15 days or so the blog became mostly about getting it done and less about God speaking to my heart.  I know this because I feel stressed everyday about completing it and I am not hearing God in my spirit like I was at the beginning.  I even heard myself say with a heavy sigh last night, “36 days down…only 329 to go!”

So tonight, I want to let you know that I am pouring contempt on my pride and arrogance over making this blog about me and my ability to produce.  I don’t believe God wants me to abandon the project, but I am certain he wants to revise it and is asking me to yield more to his Spirit and push back at my pride. So I am.

Now that I am surrendering the “365 days of art” to God’s way of doing it, I have no idea how often I will be posting.  But I will tell you that there is great freedom and peace that come from a softened heart toward God’s teaching. 

When I Survey the Wondrous Cross

By Isaac Watts

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

His dying crimson, like a robe,
Spreads o’er His body on the tree;
Then I am dead to all the globe,
And all the globe is dead to me.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.