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"surrendering" |
I have been convicted in my spirit that trying to make a piece of art and blog about it each day has become an issue of pride for me.
I would like to explain…
The idea behind the blog was to use it as a tool to explore what God is teaching me as I prepare for the next step of my life journey which is what is commonly called the “empty nest” and to encourage others. I am pretty sure my initial motivation was a positive thing and in line with God’s will.
Then several things happened, almost all at the same time. My husband had two trips to the ER and then had gall bladder surgery, my son broke his collar bone, and I was offered a job that I was not expecting to be offered until June. When added to the commitments that already existed, all these things together have had a substantial impact on my time, energy, and challenge level.
However, I had already let people know that I was doing a “365 of art/blog project” and people have been encouraging me and praising my work and insights which I have really appreciated.
But, I began to let the feedback become too important to me…it sort of built me up and fed my ego. It isn’t that I became less aware that the art and the insights are gifts from God, but that I made the idea of getting the blog done each day a priority over most everything else. God has been whispering in my spirit to let go a little and be more realistic about my capacity to create on the level I have been everyday, given my current commitments and new responsibilities at work.
I didn’t want to let go. Even when my husband gently encouraged me that the art blog didn’t need to be an “everyday thing” and I told him I agreed, I still kept up the pace. When I disregard my husband’s input…that is pride. When I tell him he is right, but keep doing my own thing, that is also pride. God is not a big fan of pride!
I have been wrestling with the idea of letting the blog slide a little and making it less than daily. Those of you who know me, know that I can be “crazy tenacious” when I set a goal (like running the Boston Marathon 6 weeks after knee surgery)…always wanting to do my best, and pridefully not wanting to admit I am too weak to finish everything I start or that I can’t really cram one more thing into my schedule.
The truth is that sometimes plans do need revision and I need to be humble and surrender my plans into God’s hands…always and continually. I have been arrogant in behaving like I have a better idea of what I can handle and what I should do than my Creator!
So anyway, somewhere in the last 15 days or so the blog became mostly about getting it done and less about God speaking to my heart. I know this because I feel stressed everyday about completing it and I am not hearing God in my spirit like I was at the beginning. I even heard myself say with a heavy sigh last night, “36 days down…only 329 to go!”
So tonight, I want to let you know that I am pouring contempt on my pride and arrogance over making this blog about me and my ability to produce. I don’t believe God wants me to abandon the project, but I am certain he wants to revise it and is asking me to yield more to his Spirit and push back at my pride. So I am.
Now that I am surrendering the “365 days of art” to God’s way of doing it, I have no idea how often I will be posting. But I will tell you that there is great freedom and peace that come from a softened heart toward God’s teaching.
When I Survey the Wondrous Cross
By Isaac Watts
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.
Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.
See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
His dying crimson, like a robe,
Spreads o’er His body on the tree;
Then I am dead to all the globe,
And all the globe is dead to me.
Spreads o’er His body on the tree;
Then I am dead to all the globe,
And all the globe is dead to me.
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.